Being in constant survival mode must be so exhausting, but darling, that’s no way of living. At least not anymore. You don’t need to hurt, or hide, or make yourself small anymore. Come and sit on my lap. Your eyes that once lit up in wonderment are now tired and lifeless-and I’m sorry about that. I have to applaud you, though, for handling everything the way you did. It was the best way you could have, given the circumstances and knowledge. You deserve several gold medals for all the choices you have made, even those you aren’t proud of.

I know you always felt not good enough, like the one time you were in tuition and were struggling to understand math, but the teacher yelled at you, saying how unteachable you were and walked out on you. Or that time when you slipped and fell while in your drycleaning plastic bag outfit at the school’s talent & fashion show and everyone laughed at you; you never felt confident again. What about when you were holding that glass mug, and it fell, and mum started unloading all her stress on you, blaming you for everything and anything. Her words shattered your heart just the way the mug did when it hit the ground. Not forgetting the first time you failed an exam, missing the mark by 2 points, and mum and dad cussed you out the moment you got home, deeming you to be an eternal failure.

I want to tell you right now that you are none of those things that they said to you. Your feelings about all those things matter, and your feelings are valid no matter what anyone says. No matter how many times you were afraid of speaking up in the name of being judged and called “too sensitive”. I know how much anger, pain, and resentment built up over the years and became a festering wound that refused to go away. You deserved to be treated better than that, and not emotionally mistreated.

All the times that you felt like you would never fit in because nobody ever took the time to get to know you or understand you as you did to them. It drove you to think that you would be accepted by people if you buried yourself and mirrored their own personalities. So much so that you couldn’t even see yourself when you looked in the mirror. Instead, you saw just a mound of different people clumped into one. You don’t have to do that or feel that way anymore. You are unique, you are rare, and you’re the only one of you, and you don’t have to hide or lose yourself in other people.

You always overcompensated by being overempathetic, because you never wanted anyone to feel the way you did. But darling, that ruined you. Your empathy is a gift, and no one can and should take that away from you.
You always thought that maybe if you continually passed your exams, your parents would love you a little more. Perhaps if you learnt some new tricks, your friends would like you a little more. That if you helped people, then maybe they would warm up to you a bit more. Darling, that’s not how unconditional love works. Your value is intrinsic, and it isn’t tied to pencil marks on a piece of paper or being a jester to entertain other people or being a mirrorball for other people to bounce off versions of themselves. Unconditional love should give you room to be your true authentic self, and anyone who isn’t satisfied with that should leave.

I know how hard it was for you to love yourself. Your face, your body, your talents and abilities, just because the people who were supposed to teach you what love looks like, didn’t do a very good job at it. And honey, I’m sorry about that; they were also trying their best, so please forgive them.

I know how hard it was for you to live in a home where uncertainty always hung in the hallways and screaming and fighting were the order of the day. How you constantly tried to manage your emotions and that called for you to appear emotionless as stone just so that you wouldn’t “be part of the problem”. It was never your job to monitor the feelings of grown people, and I need you to know that whatever quarrel was going on in that house had nothing to do with you at all. You always tried to become the person they wanted you to be, so that you could feel proud of them and get their pats on your head. All this because you wanted to prove that you were worthy of their love and still it wasn’t enough. I need to let you know that you have nothing to prove to anyone. You needn’t exhaust yourself trying to fill other people’s cups. All that is needed for yourself is to recharge and carry on. Remember that.

I need to thank you because, despite the storm brewing in your heart, you kept smiling, making people feel loved and comfortable. You kept being kind to everyone who came your way. I hope you learn to listen to your heart and soul and tend to yourself whenever you feel down. And the best part of it all is that you absolutely don’t need anyone’s permission to do so. I want you to know that I’m here now and will always be. For whenever you feel like you’re not good enough, I’ll try my best to encourage you. Whenever you feel tired, I’ll carry you and allow you to rest and whenever you’re feeling sad, I’ll give you a shoulder to cry on. But most of all, I will never ignore you again like I have been for all these years.

I hope you maintain a sharp pen for all the beautiful poems you write (and are yet to write), thin skin for all the times that you take strength in your vulnerability and empathy, and an open heart so that you may give and receive the love you deserve. You are safe, you are loved, you are wanted and you are enough.

You are here, alive and well; breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out.